EVERY CHIPOTLE EVER

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    Let’s just be real for a second: You’re going to regret ordering the Sofritas over steak, you want a burrito— not a salad, and you’re gonna get guac no matter how much more they charge you for it. This is EVERY CHIPOTLE EVER.

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    CAST
    Ian Hecox // https://www.instagram.com/ianhecox/
    Olivia Sui // https://www.instagram.com/oliviasui/
    Shayne Topp // https://www.instagram.com/shaynetopp/
    Courtney Miller // https://www.instagram.com/co_mill/
    Damien Haas // https://www.instagram.com/damienhaas/

    CREW
    Director: Ryan Todd
    Writers: Ryan Finnerty & Monica Vasandani
    Executive Producer: Ryan Todd
    Production Manager: Margo McHugh
    1st AD: Marcella Gersh
    DP: Katie Eleneke
    DP: Nick Giomuso
    Cam Op: Brennan Iketani
    1st AC: Jacqi Jones
    DIT: Matt Duran
    Art Director: Steven Cirocco
    Set Decorator: Tayler Nicholson
    Props/Stage Coordinator: Yasmeen Mughal
    Sound Mixer: Greg Jones
    Script Supervisor: Eddie Vigil V
    Hair & Makeup Department Head: Rachel Jenkins
    Wardrobe: Athena Lawton
    Gaffer: Billy Yates
    Key Grip: Emilie Svensson
    PA: Will Townsend
    PA: Lucas Lefkowitz
    Art PA: Steven Smyka
    Editor: Mike Small
    GFX: Brittany Metz
    Community Manager: Cece Wrenn
    Content Manager: Kiana Parker
    IT/Equipment Manager: Tim Baker
    Executive Assistant: Nancy Azcona

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    Published


    hi hi oh yeah I want a burrito but like the tortillas are so high in calories and I'm trying a healthier so I don't know how about a bowl then okay perfect so I'll have beans rice stay tine of sour cream oh and a lot of cheese more cheese more MORE and queso said it Oh can I also get approximately two tortillas worth of chips you know since I'm eating healthy I might as well a treat right love you know you'll go Denise every Chipotle ever could I get beans on that black or pinto what's the difference you tell me I mean come on like beans or beans right now I don't know are they I don't know I think you do so black or pinto look pinto okay Wow what nothing nothing okay fine whatever can you put rice on that to ye or brown you want a quesadilla it'll be ready in two days rice oh no I'm good on rice thank you cool copy yeah mild salsa and um you know what can I actually get the rice please were you not offered rice earlier no I asked him he said no sir you said no yeah but I changed my mind sir this is the toppings portion of the assembly the rice is over in the basis can you walk back over to the rice I'm assigned topping city so no okay can you hand him the burrito no the burritos can only travel in one swift direction it's right there sir I don't know how they do things at H&R Block or wherever chaotix bull you work but here at Chipotle we have strict rules and regulations you've got it yeah and for trying to bully us into violating those rules we're gonna ask you to leave get out seriously yes okay fine jerk yeah you're telling me excuse me yeah what's up so Freitas this Spanish fur ain't no meat in this uh I told you I can't eat anything here the burritos are too big limit belly all bloated why can't we just do something I want to do because everything you like to do sucks ass okay look I'm sorry for going off on you in this restaurant but just being honest know what I'll be right back yeah one burrito please can we go now yeah I ordered the bowl and then I just use chips as a utensil and that's the boy oh cool yeah I like to remind people that sex show just to put them in their place sure let me teach you how to wrap a burrito oh I think I'm actually good on that you sure yeah it's wrapping a burrito how hard is it gonna be okay then you pick it up and we're just we know that now and that is the Swans head chill let's chill let's just fold it as best damn it hold this up tuck it in like that whip it over no that'll never work so we're gonna tuck it tuck it tuck it failure oh sorry we're out of grilled veggies that we always have been and we always will be what's with all the writing on the cops oh no I never actually read it hey you yeah you did you know that chipotles cup artists are all indentured servants paid weekly and burritos there were six of us each one kidnapped and taken to a lighthouse by Robo under the light of the full moon kept under lock and key and hidden from the world of the original 6-4 of perish from the heat coli and the lettuce but that's not why I'm writing this I miss my wife her name is Sarah rynason if you know her please tell Sarah that I love her I need her to know that I didn't leave and I promise I'll find a way home to her wow that is such corporate bull totally are you actually gonna order a margarita here salsa uh yeah salsas free right yeah okay then I would like the avocado salsa the guacamole is extra I thought you said salsa was free yeah but guacamole is guacamole and it's extra oh okay okay how about this can you give me a whole avocado because that's basically a vegetable which we all know is free and then you give me some salsa and I do all the hard work no okay okay hear me out uh how about you hold on to the cheese and sour cream because I know those are your big ticket items and although I'm entitled to them I will let you keep them you give me some guacamole and a little bit of extra meat for my trouble and then you get to sell that cheese I get to get my guacamole and then your corporate overlords are none the wiser I'm going on break excuse me sir can I interest you in buying some guacamole and then giving me half of it the cheese Cerrito is a real thing and it's on the secret menu order it hey yeah I would like one tourtellot please oh my god I'm sorry she would like oh not thought B are you doing Courtney this is a Taco Bell okay this is an authentic Mexican experience all right just let me do the talking si yo would like muy Grande burrito contra Nita's y frijoles and salsa picante venemous dude I don't know what you're saying he wants one of those meat wraps that has like the little black potatoes and the spicy ketchup oh I'm sure I can definitely be that guy for you none of you have culture apparently excuse me yeah can I get a mustard the homeless woman's inside here you okay can I can I get a hot Italian sub hell he got another dead guy I'm not dead yet he's gonna be dead soon send my Hagen bailamos C potato to that bathrooms son dad oh my god I thought you died in that fire I did what they put a new brain really thank you guys so much for watching every Chipotle ever if you still want to see more sketches check out the one we did last week dating in 1999 vs. 2019 or if you're in a Summer Games mode and want to see some competitions click this playlist to see everything we've done so far
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